It's the dreaded topic when you have children, who are we going to leave them too should something happen to us. It's not an easy decision at any point, but when you add a child with special needs to that equation well it becomes downright impossible.
DH and I haven't done our wills yet, and considering I have a legal background you can bet that this fact weighs on me everyday. I don't want a court to decide who takes care of my children, but I can't seem to decide either.
When we first got pregnant, and even before (since we tried for a year before moving on to IVF) we discussed our options. His sister was out because she and her partner, how do I put this delicately..........I can't, they are crazy. Putting that aside they live in another state pretty far from ours and we don't want that to happen. I have two brothers, one is not married and has no children. He has a bit of a temper and isn't the most patient person in the world, this could change when/if he has kids but I'm not betting on that, so he is out. My other brother is married and has two kids both of whom have some minor behavioral issues (somewhat medical based but also due to a lack of consequences/discipline for their actions) and on top of that they will inherit my SIL's nieces when her parents can no longer care for them which will likely be in the next 3-5 years. So they are out. Which leaves other family/friends who are either unmarried, married to someone I don't like, don't have children yet (so I have no real sense of what type of parent they will be), or are just plain unsuitable. I know a fair amount of people leave their kids to their parents. I am not a fan of this option (although to be honest it might be our only one for now) as I believe grandparents should do just that, grandparent. Not have to raise/discipline. We have some friends that I think would be suitable, but its such a hard topic to broach..........and with the special needs aspect I'm afraid to do so.
This used to be a non issue. I had a good friend who I planned to leave my kids too, decided long before I had kids or even married DH. Then there was a huge falling out with regard to my bridal shower (likely to be a post at some point, don't worry) having nothing to do with me at all, and she stopped talking to me. So..........not an option any more.
This topic literally keeps me awake at night. It's hard enough to ask someone to raise your kids for you, but to not only ask them to raise your kids but also deal with a child who has special needs when you're really not sure what level of care he may need as he is still so young.........it's impossible. I know we have to deal with this. If god forbid something happened to DH and I, N would get totally screwed as the state would use his inheritance to render him unable to receive any aid from them until the money was gone (he doesn't currently receive any aid from the State but I anticipate he will at some point depending on his level of need) as we do not have a special needs trust set up for him yet. We definitely don't want that to happen.
For those of you who have children with special needs (and even those who don't) what arrangements have you made? How did you bring up the topic with the people you chose? I'll take all the help I can get!
Up until a year after I had my girls I worked as a trusts and estates attorney - doing exactly this (don't know what type of legal background you have!) We have stuck with who we originally picked, my sister. My husband did have some concerns that maybe she would no longer want the girls b/c of Julia's CP, so on the phone one night I said, "do you still want them?" She said "Yes!" And I screamed to my husband, "She says she doesn't care!" My sister always assumed she'd get my kids, so it wasn't really a big deal in our situation.
ReplyDeleteBut, one way you could broach it, if they are nervous about his needs, is to let them know that he will have money (via his inheritance from you), to provide for him, and he will be eligible for Medicaid and such so that they can get assistance as needed. Sometimes I think we can be *too* secretive about what we do with our kids, that people can have an incorrect picture of what life is like. (I don't know how much assistance your son needs or likely will need, so perhaps it would be very difficult; my daughter has therapy and such, but she has no major medical issues so there's no feeding tubes, numerous doctor's appointments for ailments, etc.)
One thing I would recommend though, is to do the will and get the special needs trust set up. Just pick any person right now to name in the will - they can always say no if you die before you really get it finalized, and the boys are no worse off than they are now, in the sense that the court will decide who they live with. At least with the proper trusts set up N won't get screwed out of Medicaid or whatever other assistance he will get in the future.
I was a litigator in my former life.......lol
ReplyDeleteTo be honest I think our biggest issue (right now) is who gets them, setting aside the entire issue of N's CP. Because even before we knew about it, we had no clue who we would ask. No one seems to be "right" other than friends we have that we are close with but not super close. Its just so difficult. May I ask how you decided on your sister? Other than the obvious, is it her parenting style, ability with kids, etc?
As it stands right now N can feed himself (finger foods as he is just a year), is working on sitting, and we are talking about crawling/walking. Its too early to tell if he will have any cognitive issues. I don't know if he will ever need state assistance, but I certainly don't want to make it difficult for him to get due to my inability to make a decision. We definitely need to get the will and the trust done ASAP.
Well, my sister is a teacher, so she is good with kids and likes being with them. But honestly, the deciding factor (well, for my husband), was that his sister did NOT choose us for her children, picking instead her mother and then her father/stepmom, because she didn't want her kids living in Alaska (they're in Chicago). I actually didn't want my kids being raised where my husband was (rich snooty suburb), and so when she came out with that line, my husband said eff it.
ReplyDeleteThe real thought process was, my sister and SIL would be equally fine raising them - yes, they'd each have different parenting styles, but you can't ever find somebody who will do things exactly how you would. So those being equal, what was important to me was that my kids be raised similar to how I was, most specifically in a diverse area (very ironic, since I live in a pretty homogenous place now), and not feeling entitled. As I said, hubby's hometown is very, very well-off, and while he did not grow up feeling entitled or wanting that lifestyle, I didn't want my kids growing up in that without us there to guide them.