As of right now we are pregnant. My numbers weren't overwhelming yesterday, so I go back in for another test tomorrow to find out if the number is doubling or not. If it is doubling than we will be scheduled for our first ultrasound, if it isn't then I will most likely discontinue my medications and the cycle will be over. I am trying to stay positive.
In other news I am starting to feel a little down about N's progress again. There are days when I am so able to stay positive on all the progress he has made but then there are times like now where it has been a LONG time since N has done anything "new" physically. He is still working so hard to "military crawl" (using his arms only) but I feel like he has been working on that for months (I think he has actually) and is still going around in a circle. I know I should probably just be thankful that he can move around at all..........but I can see that he is frustrated as he watches Z go wherever, whenever. I hate that for him. I hate CP. Is that weird? That I hate something inanimate? I hate that it forces my son to struggle and work so hard to do even the smallest things. I hate that I look around my house and panic about how we are going to fit a gait trainer and if he will really be able to get any practice or if he will just feel stuck. I am constantly thinking about ways to rearrange our furniture to make it better for him and looking at new houses (which we totally can't afford) that would enable him to have more space.
Its one of those "down" periods. They don't happen as often anymore (a year past our first starting to deal with the reality that N would have CP) but they definitely still happen and seem to occur when the milestones get further apart, and now that we are moving towards the MAJOR milestones (like crawling, pulling to stand, cruising and walking) I think it is going to get harder as these milestones are going to be harder for N to achieve.
Z is still working on walking. He takes 10-15 steps and then just stops. There is a part of me that is starting to get really worried. His MRI was clear and he has hit all milestones (except this one) on schedule for his adjusted age so I am probably just driving myself crazy for no reason. But I worry. I beat myself up and I worry (and of course the pregnancy hormones aren't helping!). I hear so many people tell me, oh just wait till he is running everywhere and you will wonder why you wanted him too! Really? Is that REALLY what you want to say to a mom who has one child who will *hopefully* walk in a few years, and another who is 18 1/2 months old and still isn't walking? Really? I just want to smack them. Maybe YOU aren't happy that you have to chase your child everywhere, but the thought of being able to run after my two babies............well I just want to cry.
