Being the parent of a child with special needs is lonely. It's hard to really have a social life with everything else you have going on, and it's also hard to connect with people who aren't in the same place you are. Don't get me wrong, I have some great friends both in real life and online but all of them either don't have kids or don't have kids with special needs. Not that I want to surround myself (or my children) with only families like us, since that isn't what we should do but I guess it would be nice to have someone to talk to or go out with who is in the same (or at least similar) place that I am.
I feel awkward going to an event with my local multiples group since they can all just let their kids run around and play, but I can't. But I also don't necessarily fit in with a family that has a child with special needs, because Z doesn't. And seeing him run around and play might be upsetting to the other family. I feel like we really don't fit in anywhere, and for some reason its really hitting me lately. The weather is getting nicer and people are planning play date and I just feel lonely. I don't want to keep the boys isolated, they need to learn to play with other children so I need to get past this (since I am sure its all in my head) but it's definitely a struggle.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
A day at the zoo
We had some beautiful weather today so the boys and I headed to the zoo. I thought it would be good to get them out and it was, but for me...........it was difficult. There were so many kids walking around playing, climbing on fake animals. In particular there was a set of twins, only 15 months old, identical, and walking all over. I wanted to cry. Just when I think I have accepted, it hits me again. I know it will pass, but in the moment......its hard. I think the pregnancy hormones make it worse, or at least that's what I keep telling myself. I can blame post partum after that, so I figure I have at least a year or so of excuses left. It gets easier I think, as time passes. But there are still some days when I am back in that initial grieving stage that I thought I had left behind.
It seems silly to get so upset still. N is doing SO well! Each day I am amazed by the stamina this little boy has. Yesterday was a pretty good day as well and so we took his gait trainer outside and walked up the block. I think seeing Z walking ahead of him gives him motivation and while he at times still needs the tiniest of pushes from behind (I mean I am literally barely touching it but I think it lets him think I am helping even when he really doesn't need it) N is doing fantastically with it. At PT on Tuesday he was working on pulling himself to stand and working on cruising. I am just so very proud of him! N has also started to say "more" (which you know he is saying since he signs it with the word, otherwise you would have no clue) and I know more words are coming!
Z is also doing great. All of a sudden in the last two weeks his speech has exploded. It started with the word "more" (well his version of it) while signing it too so I knew he knew what it meant. Now he is trying to say fruit, down, dog, milk, sit, and his brothers name. He walks everywhere now and loves to be outside. I am looking forward to when everyday is nice out and we can go play all the time.
It seems silly to get so upset still. N is doing SO well! Each day I am amazed by the stamina this little boy has. Yesterday was a pretty good day as well and so we took his gait trainer outside and walked up the block. I think seeing Z walking ahead of him gives him motivation and while he at times still needs the tiniest of pushes from behind (I mean I am literally barely touching it but I think it lets him think I am helping even when he really doesn't need it) N is doing fantastically with it. At PT on Tuesday he was working on pulling himself to stand and working on cruising. I am just so very proud of him! N has also started to say "more" (which you know he is saying since he signs it with the word, otherwise you would have no clue) and I know more words are coming!
Z is also doing great. All of a sudden in the last two weeks his speech has exploded. It started with the word "more" (well his version of it) while signing it too so I knew he knew what it meant. Now he is trying to say fruit, down, dog, milk, sit, and his brothers name. He walks everywhere now and loves to be outside. I am looking forward to when everyday is nice out and we can go play all the time.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Life.........
Things have been crazy at our house. The pregnancy is going well although we had a scare for a bit. My bloodwork came back a bit off during my first trimester screening so DH and I decided to do a CVS to determine if the baby was healthy. After a long week waiting for the results we learned that HE was very healthy and we both breathed a sigh of relief. Unfortunately at the same time we learned that I have a 20% increased risk of pre-eclampsia and Intra-Uterine Growth Restriction. While 20% isn't a huge increase in risk, it really threw me for a loop since I thought that DH and I had done all we could to avoid another preemie and it turns out that sometimes we just can't control everything despite what we think.
As a result of the potential risks for me as well as my pre-existing risk, I have begun to interview babysitters to help out with doctors appointments and potentially be able to become full time if I do wind up on bedrest. Considering I have (literally) never left my sons with anyone other than my mother or my husband, this is a big step for me and is giving me heart palpitations. I think my concerns are added upon by the hell that they went through in the NICU, N's CP and risk for seizures, and the fact that neither are verbal (yet) so they can't tell me if something happens. It all adds up to one very in a panic mommy. I did interview someone I really liked today, her background checks all came back good, and she is an EMT. I have another interview tomorrow and a few other candidates to peruse before I make my decision. (I used sittercity.com)
N has been working very hard in his gait trainer, and has gotten good at doing laps. We haven't yet been able to get him to just start walking on his own with it without doing laps, and I am hopeful that once the warmer weather comes and I can take him to a local park or even our backyard it will encourage him to walk and realize that the gait trainer is his mode of transportation. We did our six month review for the early intervention services and set some new goals for him. He is doing well with sitting in a chair, or on our steps, and when put into quad can hold the position and even rock a bit. With minimal assistance he can crawl in quad. My next goal for him is to be able to get into quad by himself. Once he is in quad he is strong enough to pull himself to kneeling on something, but since he can't get into quad yet he is unable to do this without help. I am looking into some "knee pad" type things that will maybe give him some additional traction to get into quad. Anyone have suggestions?
Z is doing well, he was actually dismissed from PT and will be seen again at 24 months adjusted. He has just started saying some "words" and seems to be saying more, fruit, and down (or dog could go either way!).
I am plugging along. DH has been working crazy hours so I haven't been getting a break from the time the boys get up until they go to bed (another reason for a babysitter). Z has entered the terrible twos (I think) despite only being 21 months old and by the end of the day I am ready to lock myself in the bathroom.
I think emotionally I am also struggling right now as my mom just sold my childhood home. After my dad died in 2009, she decided it was time to get rid of the house as it was way too big for one person (or two really but that's beside the point). She and my "middle" brother (my brothers are fraternal twins) spent about a year updating the home and getting it ready to be sold. Like most places the housing market here isn't great so it took a while (and a few drops in price) but it has finally sold. There is a part of me that is happy it is sold as I know financially it's better for my mom, but on the other hand I am sad as it is the house I lived in for about 26 years (with a few years out for college/grad school) and so I am struggling with it not being ours anymore. It is also of course where my strongest memories of my father are. Being the only girl, I was Daddy's Little Girl, from the day I was born until the day he died. I still miss him everyday and will also wish that my boys had gotten a chance to know him. Obviously the pregnancy hormones are making this a bit worse and with the loss of the house now..............well I've done some crying.
As a result of the potential risks for me as well as my pre-existing risk, I have begun to interview babysitters to help out with doctors appointments and potentially be able to become full time if I do wind up on bedrest. Considering I have (literally) never left my sons with anyone other than my mother or my husband, this is a big step for me and is giving me heart palpitations. I think my concerns are added upon by the hell that they went through in the NICU, N's CP and risk for seizures, and the fact that neither are verbal (yet) so they can't tell me if something happens. It all adds up to one very in a panic mommy. I did interview someone I really liked today, her background checks all came back good, and she is an EMT. I have another interview tomorrow and a few other candidates to peruse before I make my decision. (I used sittercity.com)
N has been working very hard in his gait trainer, and has gotten good at doing laps. We haven't yet been able to get him to just start walking on his own with it without doing laps, and I am hopeful that once the warmer weather comes and I can take him to a local park or even our backyard it will encourage him to walk and realize that the gait trainer is his mode of transportation. We did our six month review for the early intervention services and set some new goals for him. He is doing well with sitting in a chair, or on our steps, and when put into quad can hold the position and even rock a bit. With minimal assistance he can crawl in quad. My next goal for him is to be able to get into quad by himself. Once he is in quad he is strong enough to pull himself to kneeling on something, but since he can't get into quad yet he is unable to do this without help. I am looking into some "knee pad" type things that will maybe give him some additional traction to get into quad. Anyone have suggestions?
Z is doing well, he was actually dismissed from PT and will be seen again at 24 months adjusted. He has just started saying some "words" and seems to be saying more, fruit, and down (or dog could go either way!).
I am plugging along. DH has been working crazy hours so I haven't been getting a break from the time the boys get up until they go to bed (another reason for a babysitter). Z has entered the terrible twos (I think) despite only being 21 months old and by the end of the day I am ready to lock myself in the bathroom.
I think emotionally I am also struggling right now as my mom just sold my childhood home. After my dad died in 2009, she decided it was time to get rid of the house as it was way too big for one person (or two really but that's beside the point). She and my "middle" brother (my brothers are fraternal twins) spent about a year updating the home and getting it ready to be sold. Like most places the housing market here isn't great so it took a while (and a few drops in price) but it has finally sold. There is a part of me that is happy it is sold as I know financially it's better for my mom, but on the other hand I am sad as it is the house I lived in for about 26 years (with a few years out for college/grad school) and so I am struggling with it not being ours anymore. It is also of course where my strongest memories of my father are. Being the only girl, I was Daddy's Little Girl, from the day I was born until the day he died. I still miss him everyday and will also wish that my boys had gotten a chance to know him. Obviously the pregnancy hormones are making this a bit worse and with the loss of the house now..............well I've done some crying.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
I am so angry..........
I could seriously spit nails! N's gait trainer arrived last Thursday and from then until Tuesday I had him walk in it each day. He walked, with me pushing the gait trainer from behind, but it just didn't seem right. He was walking funny, and seemed frustrated and upset. As each day went by I felt more and more like I was going to win worst mommy of the year and it was only the beginning of January! Something was wrong, and I thought I was doing something wrong. Maybe I wasn't putting him in right, or maybe our house really wasn't going to work for this. So I took the gait trainer to the hospital where we have PT once a week (and it was this PT that ordered the gait trainer) and, almost in tears, explained to her what was going on. She took one look at at it and said, well you aren't doing anything wrong its PUT TOGETHER WRONG!!!
We got N the Snug Seat Gator. When it arrived from the vendor (cuz you know you can't just order directly from the manufacturer, there always has to be a third party involved) the side supports (which are supposed to be at his hips) where placed on top near his chest and the back support was placed below that. So with each step he took his legs where hitting the back support and he couldn't take a full step. On top of that our PT couldn't even really fix it as not only did they put it together wrong but the wrong pieces were used since the back support should have a strap to prevent N from bending over at the waist. Additionally they forgot to give us the allen wrench to fix the handles (granted a somewhat minor issue, but when added to the rest of this debacle just aggravated me more). We tried to make it so that N could use it, utilizing a dish towel and a strap I had gotten to keep him upright in a shopping cart, but it just isn't working. So N can't use his gait trainer until it is fixed, which will hopefully be Monday.
I am just so angry. We waited so long for this thing to come in (for no real reason since it didn't go through insurance) and then when it does come it we have to try to make it work using a dish towel and a random strap???!!!! This is so incredibly ridiculous. The one and only way (for now) my son can walk independently and they can't even be bothered to put it together properly? The worst part is, we don't even know who screwed it up so I am not sure who to really yell at. I can tell you I'll be letting every parent I know with a child who may utilize this type of equipment about this.
We got N the Snug Seat Gator. When it arrived from the vendor (cuz you know you can't just order directly from the manufacturer, there always has to be a third party involved) the side supports (which are supposed to be at his hips) where placed on top near his chest and the back support was placed below that. So with each step he took his legs where hitting the back support and he couldn't take a full step. On top of that our PT couldn't even really fix it as not only did they put it together wrong but the wrong pieces were used since the back support should have a strap to prevent N from bending over at the waist. Additionally they forgot to give us the allen wrench to fix the handles (granted a somewhat minor issue, but when added to the rest of this debacle just aggravated me more). We tried to make it so that N could use it, utilizing a dish towel and a strap I had gotten to keep him upright in a shopping cart, but it just isn't working. So N can't use his gait trainer until it is fixed, which will hopefully be Monday.
I am just so angry. We waited so long for this thing to come in (for no real reason since it didn't go through insurance) and then when it does come it we have to try to make it work using a dish towel and a random strap???!!!! This is so incredibly ridiculous. The one and only way (for now) my son can walk independently and they can't even be bothered to put it together properly? The worst part is, we don't even know who screwed it up so I am not sure who to really yell at. I can tell you I'll be letting every parent I know with a child who may utilize this type of equipment about this.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Happy New Year!
I would love to tell you that my New Year's resolution is to be more consistent with this blog, and I will try, but sometimes even though I have these great ideas in my head for posts, they just don't come out as well as some of the blogs I read. Anyway, it's been over a month since I last posted things have been crazy here and our holiday's were good. Toy's R Us vomited in my living room and I almost had a complete breakdown about where we were going to put all the toys, but other than that we did well. I hope that all of you had a wonderful holiday season as well.
N's gait trainer finally arrived yesterday. We started the process of getting him one back in October and it took forever, and that was without insurance getting involved (no pre-auth needed) which makes me really nervous to think about how long things will take when insurance does need to get involved but I'll leave that panic for another day. N has been using this particular gait trainer (a snugseat Gator) at PT at the hospital once a week since September or so, and he does really well with it there. I've put him in his twice now (as advised for a minimum of 15-30 minutes each day to build up his tolerance) and he just doesn't seem to do as well. I am not sure if I am just not putting him in properly, if its not quite adjusted right yet, or if he just needs to get used to it. Yesterday he did well and, in a really cute and heartwarming moment, Z helped push him as he walked. Today all he really wanted to do was chew on the chest straps (he is working on his canine's) and sit. I removed the sling seat so he wouldn't be tempted and he did it anyway. I think that even though we have been waiting for this and I know it gives him his freedom and will hopefully get him to be able to walk on his own in a few years, it's hard to see him needing a walker to be upright and walking while Z is toddling around. There are times when I feel like I am doing so well, that I've accepted his diagnosis and all that that entails, and then I have days like today were I just wish he could walk like Z. I think that once he figures out how to really use the gait trainer and is walking all over with it, it will be a little easier. But there are still days where I just want to cry, and today was one of those days.
In other news, I am still pregnant and am almost 10 weeks at this point. Things are going well and I will go for my first MFM (high risk doctor) on the 20th. We already saw our OB for the first time and everything is on track.
In the meantime we are desperately trying to figure out what to do about our house. The gait trainer is actually not quite as wide as I thought it would be and it fits (barely) through the two doorways into the kitchen allowing N to do a full lap around the first floor. But he has to angle it perfectly and I don't know if he will be able to do that. Our living room and dining room are both a decent size and hardwood, and the opening between them is slightly bigger than a double doorway (its just a large archway) so that is good and gives him space for now. But we use our living room as a family room, so we have two couches and an entertainment center in there. The dining room is used everyday as although our kitchen is eat-in, its really only that way for two adults and definitely won't fit high chairs too. So while I have the table pushed as far to the side as I can, it still doesn't allow much more than a "passing lane" for N to go through. DH and I had tossed around the idea of switching houses with my MIL, and although she is willing to sell us her house she wants to downsize to a condo or the like (sidenote, I would PAY to see that, she has more crap than anyone else I know and I have no idea what she is going to do with it all) which isn't an option for us right now since like most of you the drop in the housing market puts us *slightly* underwater and in no way allows us to get enough from our house to pay the real estate commission or have money for a down on the next house. Additionally, we have heard that a lot of mortgage companies now want a minimum of 30% down and some want 40% which we quite obviously don't have. (who the hell does?) So now we are contemplating an addition. I am not sure we can actually do it, since we will need a construction loan and I don't know if we will be able to get enough to do what we want. But if we can, I am hoping to make our kitchen a little bigger so that it is eat in, add on a family room and make the 1st floor bathroom big enough for a walk in shower if we are in a place where N needs to be on the first floor completely someday. We currently have a den (we use it as a playroom right now) on the first floor that while not a great size -long but narrow- would work as a bedroom if necessary. (We will also add another bedroom upstairs.) If I can do this, I can then get a lot of furniture out of the living room and dining room, push the table out of the way and give N two pretty decent size rooms to practice walking in. I would love to just pack up and move to either a home that was all on one story or one that had a much more open floor plan and a bedroom already on the first floor, but it doesn't look like that is going to be an option for at least another 5-8 years.
I can't possibly be the only mommy who has worried about making her current home accessible. If we hadn't bought a home prior to getting married/having our boys, we obviously would have bought a totally different house in anticipation of N's (potential) future needs. But we bought this house long before our boys were conceived, so now its a scramble to make it work. What have you done/plan to do? For the mommies whose kids are older, did things turn out like you thought? Or did you need less/more accessibility than you thought? How have you made your home work?
N's gait trainer finally arrived yesterday. We started the process of getting him one back in October and it took forever, and that was without insurance getting involved (no pre-auth needed) which makes me really nervous to think about how long things will take when insurance does need to get involved but I'll leave that panic for another day. N has been using this particular gait trainer (a snugseat Gator) at PT at the hospital once a week since September or so, and he does really well with it there. I've put him in his twice now (as advised for a minimum of 15-30 minutes each day to build up his tolerance) and he just doesn't seem to do as well. I am not sure if I am just not putting him in properly, if its not quite adjusted right yet, or if he just needs to get used to it. Yesterday he did well and, in a really cute and heartwarming moment, Z helped push him as he walked. Today all he really wanted to do was chew on the chest straps (he is working on his canine's) and sit. I removed the sling seat so he wouldn't be tempted and he did it anyway. I think that even though we have been waiting for this and I know it gives him his freedom and will hopefully get him to be able to walk on his own in a few years, it's hard to see him needing a walker to be upright and walking while Z is toddling around. There are times when I feel like I am doing so well, that I've accepted his diagnosis and all that that entails, and then I have days like today were I just wish he could walk like Z. I think that once he figures out how to really use the gait trainer and is walking all over with it, it will be a little easier. But there are still days where I just want to cry, and today was one of those days.
In other news, I am still pregnant and am almost 10 weeks at this point. Things are going well and I will go for my first MFM (high risk doctor) on the 20th. We already saw our OB for the first time and everything is on track.
In the meantime we are desperately trying to figure out what to do about our house. The gait trainer is actually not quite as wide as I thought it would be and it fits (barely) through the two doorways into the kitchen allowing N to do a full lap around the first floor. But he has to angle it perfectly and I don't know if he will be able to do that. Our living room and dining room are both a decent size and hardwood, and the opening between them is slightly bigger than a double doorway (its just a large archway) so that is good and gives him space for now. But we use our living room as a family room, so we have two couches and an entertainment center in there. The dining room is used everyday as although our kitchen is eat-in, its really only that way for two adults and definitely won't fit high chairs too. So while I have the table pushed as far to the side as I can, it still doesn't allow much more than a "passing lane" for N to go through. DH and I had tossed around the idea of switching houses with my MIL, and although she is willing to sell us her house she wants to downsize to a condo or the like (sidenote, I would PAY to see that, she has more crap than anyone else I know and I have no idea what she is going to do with it all) which isn't an option for us right now since like most of you the drop in the housing market puts us *slightly* underwater and in no way allows us to get enough from our house to pay the real estate commission or have money for a down on the next house. Additionally, we have heard that a lot of mortgage companies now want a minimum of 30% down and some want 40% which we quite obviously don't have. (who the hell does?) So now we are contemplating an addition. I am not sure we can actually do it, since we will need a construction loan and I don't know if we will be able to get enough to do what we want. But if we can, I am hoping to make our kitchen a little bigger so that it is eat in, add on a family room and make the 1st floor bathroom big enough for a walk in shower if we are in a place where N needs to be on the first floor completely someday. We currently have a den (we use it as a playroom right now) on the first floor that while not a great size -long but narrow- would work as a bedroom if necessary. (We will also add another bedroom upstairs.) If I can do this, I can then get a lot of furniture out of the living room and dining room, push the table out of the way and give N two pretty decent size rooms to practice walking in. I would love to just pack up and move to either a home that was all on one story or one that had a much more open floor plan and a bedroom already on the first floor, but it doesn't look like that is going to be an option for at least another 5-8 years.
I can't possibly be the only mommy who has worried about making her current home accessible. If we hadn't bought a home prior to getting married/having our boys, we obviously would have bought a totally different house in anticipation of N's (potential) future needs. But we bought this house long before our boys were conceived, so now its a scramble to make it work. What have you done/plan to do? For the mommies whose kids are older, did things turn out like you thought? Or did you need less/more accessibility than you thought? How have you made your home work?
Thursday, December 1, 2011
The results are in!
As of right now we are pregnant. My numbers weren't overwhelming yesterday, so I go back in for another test tomorrow to find out if the number is doubling or not. If it is doubling than we will be scheduled for our first ultrasound, if it isn't then I will most likely discontinue my medications and the cycle will be over. I am trying to stay positive.
In other news I am starting to feel a little down about N's progress again. There are days when I am so able to stay positive on all the progress he has made but then there are times like now where it has been a LONG time since N has done anything "new" physically. He is still working so hard to "military crawl" (using his arms only) but I feel like he has been working on that for months (I think he has actually) and is still going around in a circle. I know I should probably just be thankful that he can move around at all..........but I can see that he is frustrated as he watches Z go wherever, whenever. I hate that for him. I hate CP. Is that weird? That I hate something inanimate? I hate that it forces my son to struggle and work so hard to do even the smallest things. I hate that I look around my house and panic about how we are going to fit a gait trainer and if he will really be able to get any practice or if he will just feel stuck. I am constantly thinking about ways to rearrange our furniture to make it better for him and looking at new houses (which we totally can't afford) that would enable him to have more space.
Its one of those "down" periods. They don't happen as often anymore (a year past our first starting to deal with the reality that N would have CP) but they definitely still happen and seem to occur when the milestones get further apart, and now that we are moving towards the MAJOR milestones (like crawling, pulling to stand, cruising and walking) I think it is going to get harder as these milestones are going to be harder for N to achieve.
Z is still working on walking. He takes 10-15 steps and then just stops. There is a part of me that is starting to get really worried. His MRI was clear and he has hit all milestones (except this one) on schedule for his adjusted age so I am probably just driving myself crazy for no reason. But I worry. I beat myself up and I worry (and of course the pregnancy hormones aren't helping!). I hear so many people tell me, oh just wait till he is running everywhere and you will wonder why you wanted him too! Really? Is that REALLY what you want to say to a mom who has one child who will *hopefully* walk in a few years, and another who is 18 1/2 months old and still isn't walking? Really? I just want to smack them. Maybe YOU aren't happy that you have to chase your child everywhere, but the thought of being able to run after my two babies............well I just want to cry.
In other news I am starting to feel a little down about N's progress again. There are days when I am so able to stay positive on all the progress he has made but then there are times like now where it has been a LONG time since N has done anything "new" physically. He is still working so hard to "military crawl" (using his arms only) but I feel like he has been working on that for months (I think he has actually) and is still going around in a circle. I know I should probably just be thankful that he can move around at all..........but I can see that he is frustrated as he watches Z go wherever, whenever. I hate that for him. I hate CP. Is that weird? That I hate something inanimate? I hate that it forces my son to struggle and work so hard to do even the smallest things. I hate that I look around my house and panic about how we are going to fit a gait trainer and if he will really be able to get any practice or if he will just feel stuck. I am constantly thinking about ways to rearrange our furniture to make it better for him and looking at new houses (which we totally can't afford) that would enable him to have more space.
Its one of those "down" periods. They don't happen as often anymore (a year past our first starting to deal with the reality that N would have CP) but they definitely still happen and seem to occur when the milestones get further apart, and now that we are moving towards the MAJOR milestones (like crawling, pulling to stand, cruising and walking) I think it is going to get harder as these milestones are going to be harder for N to achieve.
Z is still working on walking. He takes 10-15 steps and then just stops. There is a part of me that is starting to get really worried. His MRI was clear and he has hit all milestones (except this one) on schedule for his adjusted age so I am probably just driving myself crazy for no reason. But I worry. I beat myself up and I worry (and of course the pregnancy hormones aren't helping!). I hear so many people tell me, oh just wait till he is running everywhere and you will wonder why you wanted him too! Really? Is that REALLY what you want to say to a mom who has one child who will *hopefully* walk in a few years, and another who is 18 1/2 months old and still isn't walking? Really? I just want to smack them. Maybe YOU aren't happy that you have to chase your child everywhere, but the thought of being able to run after my two babies............well I just want to cry.
Monday, November 21, 2011
One
We have completed our IVF cycle. Retrieval was last Monday and they got 13 eggs. The following day we were advised that of those 13 only 11 were mature and all 11 fertilized. I was so very excited. 11 fertilized? We would definitely get some good ones and maybe even have some to freeze.
On Saturday we did transfer. We had already decided to only transfer one and so the embryologist came to talk to us and told us that we had one blast, three that were close to blast and the rest weren't doing that well. He advised us that in his experience we probably wouldn't have anything left to freeze. I was so disappointed. We put our one blast in and headed back home where I stayed on bed rest for 48 hours (a very difficult thing to do with two little men who are used to having their mommy with them all the time!). I am trying to remain optimistic as I know it only takes one and a blast has a pretty good chance of taking. But I am still feeling a little down. I mean we had 11 (!!) and only 1 made it to blast and with nothing frozen, if this cycle doesn't work it means we start over from scratch. While once again I don't think cycling was difficult for me, it was definitely harder this time around with the boys.
So now we wait. Last time I got a BFP at 7 days past a 5 day transfer (7dp5dt) (essentially 12 days past "ovulation"). So of course Ill start testing later this week and maybe get a wonderful Thanksgiving surprise.
My boys are doing well, although they missed having their mommy with them all weekend. We are working so hard with N to get him crawling. He wants to be mobil so badly, and I am hopeful that by Christmas he will be able to do a nice army crawl. Z is still taking steps here and there but seems to be doing better with the inserts in his shoes. They finally arrived last Saturday and we did a breaking in schedule and now he wears them during all waking hours. Each day he seems to take steps a little bit more often. I am so hopeful that a few more weeks of practice and he will be walking and then running everywhere!
We also got good news (I think) on the gait trainer front. We got a letter from the vendor which seems to say (in my totally inexperienced opinion) that there is no pre-certification for the gait trainer required by our insurance company and it should be 100% covered, however they have no way to guarantee that until they order it and submit the bill and of course once its ordered its not returnable so essentially we had to sign that if for some reason insurance doesn't cover it, we will. (You can bet I'll fight tooth and nail to get it paid for if for some reason insurance decides to screw us). So we signed the paperwork and sent it back today and hopefully we will be getting the gait trainer soon. Not sure how long it takes to arrive, but I'll still tell myself in time for Christmas and anything sooner will just be a bonus.
I have this picture in my head of my two little boys standing all on their "own" decorating the Christmas tree. Hopefully I can get an actual picture of this in just a few weeks.
On Saturday we did transfer. We had already decided to only transfer one and so the embryologist came to talk to us and told us that we had one blast, three that were close to blast and the rest weren't doing that well. He advised us that in his experience we probably wouldn't have anything left to freeze. I was so disappointed. We put our one blast in and headed back home where I stayed on bed rest for 48 hours (a very difficult thing to do with two little men who are used to having their mommy with them all the time!). I am trying to remain optimistic as I know it only takes one and a blast has a pretty good chance of taking. But I am still feeling a little down. I mean we had 11 (!!) and only 1 made it to blast and with nothing frozen, if this cycle doesn't work it means we start over from scratch. While once again I don't think cycling was difficult for me, it was definitely harder this time around with the boys.
So now we wait. Last time I got a BFP at 7 days past a 5 day transfer (7dp5dt) (essentially 12 days past "ovulation"). So of course Ill start testing later this week and maybe get a wonderful Thanksgiving surprise.
My boys are doing well, although they missed having their mommy with them all weekend. We are working so hard with N to get him crawling. He wants to be mobil so badly, and I am hopeful that by Christmas he will be able to do a nice army crawl. Z is still taking steps here and there but seems to be doing better with the inserts in his shoes. They finally arrived last Saturday and we did a breaking in schedule and now he wears them during all waking hours. Each day he seems to take steps a little bit more often. I am so hopeful that a few more weeks of practice and he will be walking and then running everywhere!
We also got good news (I think) on the gait trainer front. We got a letter from the vendor which seems to say (in my totally inexperienced opinion) that there is no pre-certification for the gait trainer required by our insurance company and it should be 100% covered, however they have no way to guarantee that until they order it and submit the bill and of course once its ordered its not returnable so essentially we had to sign that if for some reason insurance doesn't cover it, we will. (You can bet I'll fight tooth and nail to get it paid for if for some reason insurance decides to screw us). So we signed the paperwork and sent it back today and hopefully we will be getting the gait trainer soon. Not sure how long it takes to arrive, but I'll still tell myself in time for Christmas and anything sooner will just be a bonus.
I have this picture in my head of my two little boys standing all on their "own" decorating the Christmas tree. Hopefully I can get an actual picture of this in just a few weeks.
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